So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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