just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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