Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
