u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
