you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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