I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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