I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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