I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
