Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize