I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
