now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
