You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
