Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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