he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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