first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
