I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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