Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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