Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
