dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
