worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have fence marks all over my body
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
