I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
