why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize