Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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