I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize