I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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