if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
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