I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize