she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
