pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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