No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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