Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
