actually, I'm a sock model
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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