dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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