my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
