i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
