the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
