i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
