I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
