im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
