wakey wakey hands off snakey
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
