I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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