I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
