If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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