I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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