I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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