jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
