i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
