Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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