i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
