she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
