You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
