there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
