dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
