I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize