You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
