Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize