Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize