why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Drake has all the answers
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
