I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm sobbing to NWA
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
